I told another lie today
by SpikeMinodaa
Summary: All is going well for Syed and Christian. Syed decides to build some muscle to make himself look better. What happens when he develops a serious eating disorder?
1. I went to the gym today

_Dear diary,_

_Uh, hi. I've never really had a diary, so this is gonna be kinda weird. Pretty much I've started myself up on a new diet to build muscle. I took a walk down to the gym and this really nice guy called Nathan spoke to me. He gave me a new diet sheet. For the next few weeks I have to strictly eat 1000 calories to get my body in shape for building muscle. I have to combine that with exercise too. Should be fun._

_Ps. I'm not sure if I should tell Christian. He might laugh. He might think I'm copying him? Ah, I dunno. It's not a big thing anyway. I'll just see how it goes. You know, avoid the humiliation if it fails._

_Syed._

I placed my newly-bought diary and pen down upon the newly bought king-size bed. Christian wasn't due home for another hour, so I had a bit of time to myself. It was this morning when I woke up and saw his body in full view, properly, that I decided that I needed to bulk up a little. He was so perfect. Every line, every muscle looked as if it had been carved and if it wasn't for the fact that his chest had been gently rising and falling, I would have probably mistaken him for a sculpture. I had been so ashamed, in fact, that I pulled the covers from around my sweaty body and draped them over him before rushing to shower and dress. My thoughts had been very contradicting. Should I exercise? Should I diet? I mean, I'm thin, yeah, I know. But I'm not exactly skinny and I could do with dropping a few sizes, or putting on some muscle at least. If I were Christian, I would be embarrassed to be seen with me.

So It was time to start testing the weights. I knew Christian had a few in the flat, I had seen him putting them away yesterday after his client. With a small yawn, I lifted my body from the bed. My stomach growled. It wasn't used to such a small amount of calories. But it would have to adjust. For a few weeks anyway. I wasn't sure what came next diet wise, Nathan said that we should just try this for now. "Where are you?" I hissed stupidly to myself as I rooted through the cupboard. He had placed them in a cardboard box. But which one? There were so many. Then I spotted them right in front of me. With a small roll of my dark eyes, I reached out for the box and dragged it with all my strength. I rooted through for the two smallest weights and lined them up to check they matched. Perfect. Leaning over, my hands gripped to the handles and I rose them above my head, allowing them to fall slightly so that my elbows bent and then lifted them again. After about 10 reps, I was beginning to find it hard, my arms ached and my head was spinning, but I forced myself to carry on. "Keep going, Syed." I told my self lowly. "Don't be a loser." My eyes narrowed as I continued to push them up and then allow them to fall ever so slightly, panting in and out, hoping that the deep gulps of air would take away the pain and the sickly feeling that was developing in my stomach. Unsurprisingly laboured sweat was beginning to trickle down my head. I continued to pant in and out as I forced myself up to 30 reps and then I finally let them drop to the floor with a small thud. I had already done a few reps in the gym today, but they hadn't been as heavy as these. Nathan was convinced that I couldn't manage anything over 5kg yet. I had to start low and build my way up, he said. But I just managed them? I wasn't sure what size they were. I supposed I would slyly find out from Christian later.

A small smile painted it's way upon my lips. For the first time in days, I felt whole again. I needed to be with Christian and as much as I had lied to myself, I knew I couldn't do that any more. He was my everything and he always would be. Despite that, I hated what I was. I hated hurting my family. But I couldn't change it. I was and always would be gay. Gay and Muslim, yeah, that was me. Odd, right? But the weight-lifting had taken all that pain and shame away. I felt good about myself, as if I had actually done something. Even with that fact, the mere thought of Christian finding out was shameful, so I polished the two weights which I had used and put them back in the box and then pushed it back into the cupboard where it belonged. I would tell him later, I decided, when I actually started getting somewhere.

Lifting my left arm up, I scanned the black, chunky watch which was strapped to my wrist. Another half-hour.

A jog couldn't hurt, right..?

I had to be perfect for him, after all, keep him wanting me. Maybe my family would even begin to accept me again if I looked better.. This diet and exercise plan would fix everything. I was positive of that.


	2. Fat!

My legs carried me forward into a quick and even jog. I had only been going for five minutes and my heart was already thudding at a worrying pace. My limbs felt weak, but I supposed that had something to do with the fact that I had been lifting pretty heavy (well, to me) weights before I had headed off. Sweat was trickling down my back, which made me feel uncomfortable. Ugh, so unfit. I would have to sort that out. Even with the fact that I felt weak, dizzy and tired, I carried on, pacing towards the Vic. Maybe I'd meet Christian. I had missed him quite a lot today. His shift hours had been long and I had been busy reading the Koran and then I headed for the gym, so unfortunately I had no time to drop in and see him. My eyes stared through the thick blanket of darkness which now consumed the square. It was nearly 12am. Most would be in bed, a part from the few who would be finishing their last order of beer or whisky. The moon shone down and the rays stretched across everything in their wake. I was so focused upon the light that I found myself shocked and jumping slightly as a highly familiar voice entered my ear.

"Tamwar, be quiet. He is not part of our family any more."

"But he is, dad!" Another highly familiar voice moaned in reply. I fell into a halt, pressing my back to the lamp post which stood behind.

"Tamwar, stop that!" Yet another highly familiar voice snapped. It was that of a woman. It was my mothers. What were they doing out at this time? "Bushra is proud of you. Just as she was Syed – don't ruin it."

There was my answer. Bushra. Oh Bushra..

The figures moved swiftly through the darkness. I could tell from my mothers new dress that she was dressed up. Tamwar was wearing a pair of what seemed to be black trousers and a white shirt and dad, well of course he wore a suit. Nothing more, nothing less.

"He is not a part of our family any more. He is a disgrace to us, a disgrace to his community and a disgrace to his religion. You hear me?" Dad hissed rather loudly.

"Yes dad." Tamwar sighed. There was a short pause before he added determinedly. "He's still my brother."

They did not reply. They simply moved on. I could feel my body shaking. Perhaps it was from the cold, although the air wasn't that icy. Before I knew it, my legs buckled to the ground and I slid down against the wall. Tears were threatening my eyes and I could not stop a loud sob from leaving my lips. "I'm sorry mum." I whispered. "Dad." I dragged my nails down my cheeks to force the tears away and then whispered finally; "I'm sorry."

It felt like I had been sitting, staring ahead blankly for hours. Perhaps I had been. It didn't matter. It was my body, I supposed. Not strong enough for the exercise, or something down the proximity of that line. Maybe I was too fat? Fat? Fat..? Was I fat? My eyes drifted down and I attempted to stare at my stomach through the darkness. I couldn't see it, so my hand rose and I gripped onto it. So..wobbly. So..fat. I was fat. They didn't want me because I was fat. Maybe that was it. Maybe they could accept my homosexuality if I looked better. Maybe that was the reason that I was gay, because I was fat and I had been subconsciously self-conscious? Thoughts were swirling around in my head and I couldn't control them. I pushed myself to my feet. I was out of control now. What I looked like, what I was. It was all wrong; so wrong and I hated it. I would have to diet. I would have to exercise. Never mind muscle; I had to get thin. I had to be attractive for Christian. He was all I had left now and I needed him. I loved him more than anything. I would make him happy; I would turn him on, make him want me. I would not be fat.


	3. Wow Urgh

"Five more minutes." I promised myself through each of my pants. My heart was racing and my chest was rising and falling at a rapid pace. I had been jogging for almost an hour now to burn off what I had eaten today. It was hell, but it had to be done. My feet were aching under my heavy weight and my legs were burning. Only a few more minutes; ten at most. I had vowed to myself that I would only eat when desperate and that would limit the amount of exercise which I would have to do. My large frame obviously wasn't prepared for so much exercise and I certainly had no intentions of giving up. I just had to adjust and if adjusting meant starving myself, I was prepared.

The next ten minutes passed slowly, almost feeling the slowest of my life. Those final, strained minutes with Amira took the top spot, but I was sure that this took a close second place. I finally arrived at the door of Christian's flat. My chest was heaving and my heart was thudding so hard against my chest that I was convinced that it might come to a sudden halt any second now. Sweat coated my hands as I rubbed them together to try and heat them up a little. Only now did I realise how icy the air really was. The fact that the back of my shirt was also coated in sweat didn't help and I knew that a shower would be the first thing to do when I got in. A small sigh fled my lips as I searched , my pockets. Great. I had forgotten my keys. Christian would be in by now as well. Time to draw more attention to the fact that I had been running. One of my hands rose uneasily and pressed down the buzzer whilst the other wrapped securely, protectively around my stomach to hide the layers of fat. Something that surprised me was the fact that the lock was not unbolted from upstairs but instead I heard hurried footsteps from the stairs. The door was pulled open and before I knew it, I was dragged forward into somebody's arms. Christian.

"Oh Sy!" He gasped. "Where have you been? I was so worried!"

I blinked and my own arms wrapped around his waist, pulling him that little bit closer for comfort. Despite the fact that he had been worried about me, I still couldn't pull my mind away from the fact that I was morbidly obese. How had I never noticed? That was the question that continued to haunt me.

"I..just out a walk." I stuttered as he planted numerous kisses onto my head. I pulled away slightly and stared up into his pale eyes which were drowning in concern. "Why were you worried?" I added curiously, unsure.

He replied one name which sent shivers down my spine. I was no longer curious. I understood. "Quadim."

"Well I'm fine." I told Christian with a small smile. "And besides, I don't think he'll return anytime soon. He would have by now.." I gulped in a deep breath, pulling away completely. "I need to go showe-"

"IS THAT HIM?" A familiar voice called from upstairs.

"Yeah, he's fine Rox!" Christian called back and he was ushering me up the stairs, his hand taking a hold of mine. Roxy met us at the top. She looked surprisingly relieved.

"Where have you been?" She demanded in that tone that even I knew not to argue with.

"A walk." I lied smoothly.

"Oh, smart Syed. You've had Christian wetting himself with worry. Idiot!" She hissed. But surprisingly, she pulled me into a hug. Christian had obviously explained about Quadim.. "I'm glad your okay, though." She admitted and was pulling away by this point, wriggling her nose and wiping her hands on her shirt. "You sure you aint been running?" She asked in a joking tone and I glanced towards Christian who was now hooking his arm neatly around my waist.

"No, no..I..I'm gonna go shower." I muttered, cutting any further chance of conversation off. Christian leaned in and planted a kiss to my neck, whispering seductively in my ear; "Don't be long."

I couldn't help but smile at those words, although I knew that any intimate contact would be hard now, knowing what I looked like. How could I possibly let him see me again? I would think of something..

By this point I had moved from the room and was sliding from my sweaty clothes. Once pulling my boxers off, I leaned into the shower and twisted the tap, my eyes watching as the hot water began to shoot from the head. Stepping forward, I moved to get in, but my eyes caught a sight which made me gasp. My body; my stomach; my thighs; my arms; my double chins; the layers of fat; the fat..

I was fat.

I was disgusting.

Ugh.

I hated myself.


End file.
